A day in advance…

or early the same day … is currently the most successful way to book.

Even when texting, you have a better chance of success booking if you give me a day’s notice.  But, as I always emphasize, please text me at any time and give me your preferred dates and times; often same-day is successful.  It’s more to do with your expectations than my schedule.

I’m moving away from the model in which same-day appointments are the expected timeframe; think of me in the same way you’d book any professional services.

You may find you have to slow down a little when booking with me.  As I’ve said elsewhere, there isn’t any one way that always worked, and every way has worked at least once!  Go ahead and text me 15 minutes ahead of time, I MIGHT see it.

Generally speaking, though, you’ll have better success if you text before 10 or 11 for afternoon.  I usually say about three to four hours ahead of time.

Please TEXT rather than call.  I rarely take calls as the first option.  Give your name, and the time and day you’d like.  Be specific – there’s no point saying, “today” when you really want 4 pm.  I want you to have your preferred time.

Generally, if you just remember that it’s not usually an instant thing, you’ll be in the right frame of mind.

Have some breathing space

Try not to schedule appointments within a tight schedule.  You should be able to unwind a little before coming, and definitely try to have some down time after the appointment.

~

I’m a bit old-fashioned, I think, and I resist the current expectations around instant availability which texting and cell phones have created.  When I was teenaged, the latest technology enabled you to return home, play messages on a tape, then respond. It was much later this was extended to machines that you could call remotely and play your messages.  I think that’s when the rot set in.

There’s modern and there’s modern.  Answering machines were modern the way the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey” is modern, with stewardesses in Paco Rabanne jumpsuits and carrying food in tubes on trays. Retro-modern.

Or think of Charles Babbage and his Difference Engine, which, if it had been created, would have given us computers in the 1830’s.  Having survived for the interim, they would have kept their Victorian idiosyncrasies, the way Microsoft has kept its junk code and just buried it under layers of updates and bug fixes.

We would now have computers that looked like Hammond organs, with pull-out tea trays, a built-in cigar cutter, and an umbrella stand, the whole thing decorated in your choice of needlepoint and a padded satin cushion on the oak bench.

Or maybe it would resemble a 1950’s Cadillac, with chrome edging and tail fins, a cup holder big enough for a Scotch and soda, and a cigarette lighter under the buttons for Internet favorites…

I’ll stick with Apple.

_______________________________________

Do take a few moments and read my Terms of Service before booking with me.  It clears up a lot of questions.

I look forward to hearing from you!

 

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Sumer is icumen in…

I just saw my first inkling of lilac blooms somewhere, on a bush.  It’s been a slow start to the warm weather this year, but today I’m just about brave enough to hang out on my balcony (the balcony with attached apartment that I fought all last year to retain), and it’s going to be a fantastic summer.  I personally intend to throw caution to the breeze, bake till I’m bronze, put lemon juice in my hair, or more accurately, on my scalp, and generally carry on like I’m half my age, which still puts me past my prime.

As lazy as the days may be, I still have time for you, dear client.  I’ve got three appointment times today, Monday 14th May, and I don’t mind a bit if you interrupt my lazy, sybaritic routine.

Shoot me a text (always preferred), call me (but NO messages, please; I don’t do voicemail, press pound for more options or engage in any of last-century’s tech – if I don’t answer, I’m probably with someone, so text instead); or send an email, which MAY work for same day but is generally fine for next-day or longer notice.

I’d be pleased to see you today, or anytime.  Have a read through the site, don’t miss out on my Terms of Service, and come indulge in some serious relaxation under my skilled, experienced and confident hands.

Till very soon.

 

 

Updates to policies and some outtakes

I’ve updated my Terms of Service with some clear-cut policies around cancellations that finally make sense!  If you use this site and particularly if you book my services you agree to my TOS, so it pays to have a look at them.  They are all, I think, fair and reasonable and are the result of much thought and more than a few experiences.  I’m a “get it all down and then edit” guy, so here’s some thoughts that did NOT get finalized under “how to book”.  It makes me laugh to read it because it’s so not “professional” in its tone… but polish isn’t everything, and sometimes a little dash of impropriety in the right place does a fellow good….

Outtakes…


… If we exchange more than a few emails or texts

and there is no booking materializing, trust me when I say that, though I value your thinking of me, I will rapidly lose interest. I’ve seen it all and I will know within five communications whether or not you are serious about booking my services.

It’s not that I don’t have the time.  I have lots of time.  I just choose to spend it in more rewarding ways than corresponding with someone who thinks they are one of the rewarding ways, but for whatever reason is determined to put off making an actual appointment.

I can’t help you in any in-depth way if you are finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that you might be bisexual or gay.  I’m not a psychiatrist.  I’m a great listener, and coach, but I have no desire to get out of my depth and I know the point beyond which those depths lie as surely as if they were signposted in neon.

If you are really suffering from issues relating to your sexual orientation, find a sympathetic and trained counselor or other mental health professional, and today rather than tomorrow, because you are suffering not from any “illness”, but rather from the pressures of an unsympathetic, monolithic and judgmental society.  I want and need you to know that there is nothing wrong with you, but I am not qualified to guide you to that knowledge if you don’t feel it naturally.

However, I will support you in any way possible that lies within my experience and expertise, that doesn’t involve “rescuing” (doing the work for you), and that falls within my mandate as a living, breathing human being who will not see another human being suffer unnecessarily…

More than just a once-pretty face.

I hope you’re all enjoying the fine spring weather, April showers, budding daffodils, the first rays of warm sunshine after winter, and above all, I hope you have effectively hurricane-proofed your home and stocked up on canned foods and tea lights.  Jeezus Murphy!

I’m available 7 days a week just about any time you’d like to book between 9 AM and 10 PM — and even outside those times if you book in advance or at least give me decent notice.

Don’t forget:

  • Text is best
  • Email is not always effective on the same day but I’ll try
  • Feel free to call me but I don’t use voicemail so DO NOT LEAVE A VOICE MESSAGE because no one will hear it. If I don’t answer, Text instead.
  • It may take me 90 minutes to two hours to get back to you if I’m with a client when you reach out
  • I have » packages that will save you tons of $, with no annoying rules or restrictive timeframes, just what we work out together with your schedule in mind
  • have a gander at my » Terms of Service — if you use this site or book my services, they apply.  These set out what we should expect from each other and they promote clear communications and mutual respect.

~
WEB-revised-coverlulu-b» My e-book is available on iTunes! 
Which bodes well for Amazon, Kobo, etc.

My book is just as quirky, startling, hilarious, unnecessary, snarky, sarcastic, sexy, occasionally serious and just plain silly as am I. 

In fact, if you can’t have me open on your lap, my e-book is the very next best thing!
Here’s what I have to say about it:

For over four years, David Roddis — the extremely grey

eminence behind slowpainful dot com — has been regaling delighted readers with his tales of Toronto life (featuring not-so-genteel poverty and a continually changing cast of dubious roommates), his trenchant commentaries on American and Canadian politics, and his startling alter egos, including Big Gay Pope and The Princess of Happy.
       Now you can finally stop pulling that desktop computer around on a luggage trolley and enjoy all your favorites from “A Slow, Painful Death Would Be Too Good For You (and Other Observations)” revised and expanded beyond recognition and gathered together in handy e-book form.
       There’s also brand new work, and, to garnish this boffo buffet, David’s uniquely “artistic” photo-illustrations. 


With over 200 pages of smart-alecky fun, this “pillow book for dyspeptics” is perfect for laugh marathons or just dipping into at your leisure:

Think “Quality Street”, but without your dog
staring at you as you unwrap the cellophane.*

   ”

COMING SOON:

The paperback version is scheduled to launch on May 1st.

One hundred signed copies available…
Thousands of distraught, desperate, screaming fans…

This could get ugly.


* The book is in ePUB format, which is the native format for Kobo.
If you have Microsoft 10, then Edge Browser opens it perfectly.  If you don’t,
» download Calibre, a free, open-source e-reader for your computer that opens
all e-formats as well as PDF’s.
If you’re an Apple kinda guy, then you can open it in iBooks on your Mac or iOS device.

Relaxing, sensual bodywork: Eggs-actly what you need this weekend!

To answer your  unspoken but urgent question:

YES! I am available throughout the remaining weekend, that’s tomorrow, Sunday April 1st, and Monday, April 2nd.

{Form an orderly line, please, and no pushing.}

enhanced-buzz-4663-1364678859-3New Client?  Learn more about my bodywork practice » here.

Read about my seriously $-saving package deals » here.

Anyway, it’s Easter Saturday night, and I think this is the night when the Easter Bunny rises from the dead and comes down your chimney. I saw the movie.

If nothing else, Easter Saturday is a welcome respite for the religious, who can get in a bit of serious shopping action in between venerations of the cross.  Three days in a row of piety, after all, would surely be a strain on the nerves, if not downright anti-social.

I speak of course as an Anglican, the church created by Henry VIII when the Pope wouldn’t annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon.  So Anglicans are a happy lot, certain that their desires mesh nicely with those of Whoever’s in Charge, and with a good old British tendency to despise deities and mortals alike if they put on airs.  You’ll never see an Anglican mentioning “God” or  “Lord”, for example — my dear, it’s simply not in good taste!

Happy Eostre!

 

You know where to find me… for package deals

BWLOGO

I’ve been in the same location for 12 years.  All my clients know my physical address, my email address, my phone number…  All clients know that I’m honest,  transparent and reliable.

So I am sometimes mystified why more clients don’t take advantage of my package deals. The commitment is minimal, and the advantages are obvious.

Maybe you’ll be canny enough to do so — ?

The benefits of a package deal extend both ways:

  • YOU GET a locked-in price that is almost too good to believe, and the only time restrictions are the ones we agree upon — they’re tailor-made for your schedule and I’m flexible about adjusting them.
  • I GET the benefit of a regular clientele coming at reasonably predictable times, for which I gladly lower my rates – considerably.

I currently offer the following packages:

Book two appointments:  Save $20
Timeframe:  Take your appointments within two calendar months.  We can adjust within reason.

EXAMPLE:  Book two appointments (regular 100) and pay only 2 x 90 = $180

Book three appointments:  Save $75

Timeframe:  Take your appointments within three calendar months.  We can adjust within reason.

EXAMPLE:  Book three appointments (regular 100) and pay only 3 x 75 = $225


So, if saving up to $75 sounds good to you, check out package deals » here.

After all, you know where I live…


easterBunnylaysEgg

This Easter, put all your eggs in one basket!

I’m available and quick as a bunny to return your email or text if you’d like to book for Saturday, Sunday or Monday coming up.

100 bucks for a generous hour to ninety minutes of blissful relaxation, deep tissue work, erotic touch, shiatsu — whatever you fancy, in whatever combination.  You’re in charge.

Two ways to book: 

Call in advance, pay in advance, get a guaranteed time.  Useful if you’re hopping around.

If you’re booking in advance, why not consider a package?  Two sessions saves you $20, three saves you $75!

» Read a little more info about my online payments before you book in advance

OR

Simply TEXT on the day and we’ll work with the times available.  Useful if you’re the spontaneous type.

EMAIL on the day is never a good plan, but you can always try.  It works pretty well for the day before and longer forward planning.

PHONE CALLS:  Feel free to call but I don’t often pick up as I’m often with a client.  DO NOT LEAVE VOICEMAIL! I don’t use it and no one will hear your message.  If I don’t answer right away, TEXT me.

437 371 0584

{I know, the picture.  It’s just twelve kinds of wrong, starting with that ass the size of a football field, and you’ll never eat a Cadbury’s egg with quite the same enthusiasm —but it’s my little Eostre tradition.}

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

Top o’ the mornin’ to ye!  C’mon gents, time to shake off the winter doldrums – sorry for the cliché but I’m just having my coffee – and venture past your front door.  How about some quality “you” time, and can I tempt you with a little deal?

If you haven’t seen me before, take the plunge this weekend and get 10% off — have a generous one hour to ninety minute bodywork session for $90.

TEXT works best to reach me:  437 371 0584 is the number.  Leave a bit of lead time if you can, and remember, I’m not always available to respond instantly because I might very well be with a client.

Looking for an evening time?  Absolutely, in which case text before 5PM – I put that deadline in place when I got tired of cancelling my movie tickets.

And, like all of my suggestions for contacting me – feel free to ignore them because there are always exceptions.  I’m always glad for your enquiry.

 

Hope to see you soon.

 

David

Ends today: $80 sessions for everyone!

Guys!  Just a few more hours of my $80 welcome to spring (though you might not totally get “spring” when you look out the window) special for ALL clients, new and current.

Text me NOW at 437 371 0584 and pick up an appointment this afternoon / evening at my lowest rates!

Can’t make it today?  Book in advance with pre-payment and you can lock in the $80 pricing for a date that’s more convenient for you.  I accept Interac email transfer for this.

This also gives you the advantage of a guaranteed time, and no-fuss reschedules.

SESSION:  Generous hour to ninety minutes

$80 (regular $100)

TODAY ONLY (or at a future date if you prepay today)

ALL clients, new or current.

Cheers!

harbingers

Only thirty-six hours more of my $80 “Welcome to Spring” special pricing!

harbingersIn case, like me, you spend a lot of time under your personal rock, you may not know that I’m offering $80 sessions (regular price $100) to everyone until March 1st at 5PM.  Then you’ll just have to wait until next time.

Yes, $80 for a generous hour to ninety minutes (usually always closer to 90 minutes) instead of $100.  And if you aren’t free until later in the week, you can pre-book and pay now to take advantage of the reduction.  But not after 5pm, March 1st!

This special pricing is for EVERYONE – current and new clients.  Just because spring makes me feel so — reckless.

Respond via text or, if you need to, use email – but for either, use “Massage special” in the subject line or at the beginning of your communication.  It will help me spot you faster and it makes me feel kind of excited when you do what I tell you…

Just goofin’ around, guys.

Harbingers of Spring Special

FOR:  All clients

UNTIL:  March 1st, 5pm

FEE:  $80 (regular $100)

If you’re not free until after March 1st, simply pre-book and lock in the savings.

Contact me:

TEXT only at 437 371 0584

Email (not optimal for same day, but I’ll do my best):  david@bodyworktoronto.ca

Prefer no phone calls until after we’ve set up a time or had one text/email exchange.

NEVER LEAVE VOICEMAIL: no one will hear it. (“If a tree falls in the forest…”)

~

Did you notice—

you’ve landed on a different page?

I’ve set my site, which is really a WordPress blog, to show my posts on this landing page; new client and current client links are now up up up in the navigation bar. Use these to access the appropriate page.

See you soon.

 

I have phone!

My phone problem is solved and you can reach me as always at

437 371 0584

PLEASE prefer text to calling, and above all, remember:

  • If you do call, don’t leave a message!  Just try again.  I MAY pick up the phone, but I will not hear your message, ever.  I just don’t use voicemail.
  • If you call or text, you’ll only get an instant response if I’m not with another client.  That means it might be two hours before I can get back to you.  I’m not ignoring you!  But answering the phone in the middle of a session?  I don’t think you’d like that if it were you having the session.  Let’s not go there.
  • You can use email, but using it for same-day may not work.  Try to give a little extra lead time for email, but as always, you can try if it’s your only option and I might see it.

I tried for years to come up with definite guidelines for contacting me, but the above is about as good as I can do.  I’ve seen clients who emailed me twenty minutes ahead, and I’ve had to re-arrange clients who booked three months in advance.

So you can always try.  The suggestions above, though, statistically will get you better results.

The point of coming to my studio is to carve out some “you” time from your busy schedule. I nearly always have a time available – if you can be a little flexible with your timing we’ll be sure to succeed.

Hope to see you soon!